My Savior's Grace

I have a bit of a testimony I want to share with you…

In those dark days of my life only over a year ago, I had no self worth. I was worthless. I hated myself. I didn’t deserve to live. I deserved to die. I deserved to be in pain… So I created my own pain. I started beating myself. I started cutting myself… I deserved it… or so I thought… If I wasn’t bleeding, I wasn’t worthy to live… it was my payment for my failure of a person… I wasn’t human… I didn’t deserve to be treated kindly… I would jerk away from any hug a family member tried to give me… I wouldn’t linger in any hugs from my friends… I smiled and hid behind the mask of “I’m fine”… But I was hurting... emotionally and physically…

I was worthless.

Since then I have been healed from that pain and have had the truth spoken into my life… The truth that I am NOT WORTHLESS. I AM LOVED. I am a daughter of Christ, cherished by my Father. “My sins are covered; my shame erased; no stained marks are left to be traced.” I know who I am. And I know who I am in Christ… Beloved.

But I sometimes still feel bound by those old feelings of worthlessness. I a couple weeks ago, I felt so exhausted from this mental and spiritual battle I was going through... I was going to give up… I was having such a great life, and then Satan was constantly whacking me over the head with “You’re worthless! You’re a failure! Die! Die! DIE!” I couldn’t fight anymore… I had no strength left… The truth of who I was in Christ was fading…

I cried out to God as I drove home from work… I had no one else to turn to. Who could help me fight a spiritual battle?... I was so stressed and upset and frustrated… I cried and cried and cried… I was sobbing so hard and had so many tears that I could hardly drive… But I had no one else to turn to. There is no one who can help me. I was alone. But I’ve heard that God is always with us…

It’s true. He IS with us. He answered my prayers. He spoke to me. He soothed me. I have been filled with His love and joy! Oh my goodness… I’m getting all teary eyed just thinking about it…

He is my Abba, my Father… And I am so in love with Him! I feel like I’m floating on clouds! I feel as though I could take wing and soar through the sky into eternity! I feel loved! I feel held by His arms of tender affection! I’ve never been on drugs, but this must be what it feels like to be high! I’m not kidding! He has captured my heart! I am IN LOVE with Jesus! I get butterflies just thinking about Him! I start to cry when I think about how faithful He has been. He has rescued me from the storm. I was so close to going back to self-harm… I had no one to turn to… He saved me once again! He is my protector, my salvation… He is my strength and my song…

Psalm 118: That is my proclaimation of my Father.

Thankful
(Written for Thanksgiving 2008)

For God has shown us so much love.
He made the sun, the moon, and the stars up above.
He made the flowers bloom and the trees stand tall.
White winter, green spring, warm summer, and bright fall.
He made the creatures across the earth,
And then decided to give us birth.
In His image, He created you and me;
And He gave us a will that can always be free.
But because of this gift, we constantly stumble,
And we blame it on God because we aren’t humble.
God’s son died for our sins—that’s a certain fact—
But we don’t take advantage of that simple act.
There are so many times when I lashed out in strife;
So many times when I could have ended my life.
The things that I’ve done have made me so shameful;
But there’s someone out there who sees me unblameful.
My sins are covered; my shame erased;
No stained marks are left to be traced.
God’s son gave His life so that I may live,
And that’s the greatest thing He could ever give.
My hope is restored; I’m no longer dead.
God has a path on which I can be lead.
For taking my debt, I thank God when I pray,
Because now I can live in His light every day.