My Savior's Grace

I have a bit of a testimony I want to share with you…

In those dark days of my life only over a year ago, I had no self worth. I was worthless. I hated myself. I didn’t deserve to live. I deserved to die. I deserved to be in pain… So I created my own pain. I started beating myself. I started cutting myself… I deserved it… or so I thought… If I wasn’t bleeding, I wasn’t worthy to live… it was my payment for my failure of a person… I wasn’t human… I didn’t deserve to be treated kindly… I would jerk away from any hug a family member tried to give me… I wouldn’t linger in any hugs from my friends… I smiled and hid behind the mask of “I’m fine”… But I was hurting... emotionally and physically…

I was worthless.

Since then I have been healed from that pain and have had the truth spoken into my life… The truth that I am NOT WORTHLESS. I AM LOVED. I am a daughter of Christ, cherished by my Father. “My sins are covered; my shame erased; no stained marks are left to be traced.” I know who I am. And I know who I am in Christ… Beloved.

But I sometimes still feel bound by those old feelings of worthlessness. I a couple weeks ago, I felt so exhausted from this mental and spiritual battle I was going through... I was going to give up… I was having such a great life, and then Satan was constantly whacking me over the head with “You’re worthless! You’re a failure! Die! Die! DIE!” I couldn’t fight anymore… I had no strength left… The truth of who I was in Christ was fading…

I cried out to God as I drove home from work… I had no one else to turn to. Who could help me fight a spiritual battle?... I was so stressed and upset and frustrated… I cried and cried and cried… I was sobbing so hard and had so many tears that I could hardly drive… But I had no one else to turn to. There is no one who can help me. I was alone. But I’ve heard that God is always with us…

It’s true. He IS with us. He answered my prayers. He spoke to me. He soothed me. I have been filled with His love and joy! Oh my goodness… I’m getting all teary eyed just thinking about it…

He is my Abba, my Father… And I am so in love with Him! I feel like I’m floating on clouds! I feel as though I could take wing and soar through the sky into eternity! I feel loved! I feel held by His arms of tender affection! I’ve never been on drugs, but this must be what it feels like to be high! I’m not kidding! He has captured my heart! I am IN LOVE with Jesus! I get butterflies just thinking about Him! I start to cry when I think about how faithful He has been. He has rescued me from the storm. I was so close to going back to self-harm… I had no one to turn to… He saved me once again! He is my protector, my salvation… He is my strength and my song…

Psalm 118: That is my proclaimation of my Father.

Thankful
(Written for Thanksgiving 2008)

For God has shown us so much love.
He made the sun, the moon, and the stars up above.
He made the flowers bloom and the trees stand tall.
White winter, green spring, warm summer, and bright fall.
He made the creatures across the earth,
And then decided to give us birth.
In His image, He created you and me;
And He gave us a will that can always be free.
But because of this gift, we constantly stumble,
And we blame it on God because we aren’t humble.
God’s son died for our sins—that’s a certain fact—
But we don’t take advantage of that simple act.
There are so many times when I lashed out in strife;
So many times when I could have ended my life.
The things that I’ve done have made me so shameful;
But there’s someone out there who sees me unblameful.
My sins are covered; my shame erased;
No stained marks are left to be traced.
God’s son gave His life so that I may live,
And that’s the greatest thing He could ever give.
My hope is restored; I’m no longer dead.
God has a path on which I can be lead.
For taking my debt, I thank God when I pray,
Because now I can live in His light every day.

It Doesn't Matter What We Look Like

I woke up this morning, exhausted from staying up late, and I was exceptionally grumpy about the fact that I didn't get up in time to take a shower before church. I put on a hat to cover up my messy hair (I don't like wearing hats to church), my clothes didn't match right, and I hardly had time to put on enough makeup to cover up my broken-out face. I felt like crap. I looked like crap. I talked like crap. I was crap. (Honestly, I wish I could be using a stronger word...)

I went to church... I knew it would be one of those days where I would be so utterly consumed in insecurity that I wouldn't want to worship or pay attention. Ugh... I hate those days when I wallow in my own misery and disgust...

Then I remembered all the amazing things God has been doing in my life the past few weeks, and I remembered that He doesn't care what people look like, or how they're dressed, or whether or not they're wearing a hat in church... HE DOESN'T CARE. He loves and cares for us NO MATTER WHAT WE LOOK LIKE...

So despite the way I was feeling, I made a conscious decision to fully engage myself in God's presence during worship. I kept my eyes closed the entire time because I knew if I looked at the people around me then I would be wondering what they thought about my appearance. I knew, though, that it doesn't matter what they might think. God knew where my heart was.

So my crappy day turned into a joyful day. I had a great time worshipping the Lord and I fully enjoyed the teaching that was given by the pastor.

God is good!

My Little Brother's Discernment

My little brother randomly told me yesterday, "You would not be good single."

"Why not?" I asked. "I've been that way for almost 19 years, and I wouldn't mind if I was always that way."

"You just wouldn't be good single. You need a husband." He wasn't joking. He meant what he said.

I was shocked. Why would my little brother be telling me this? Then I told him about the young man I had recently met...

Today, we actually had a deep conversation about my relationship with this guy, and actually all relationships generally related to the topic of deep interests. I could not believe the outcome of the conversation... My brother - my 13 year old little baby brother - was giving me advice. That boy must is so gifted in words of knowledge and wisdom... He can comprehend things far beyond his age! (In this manner, he reminds me of myself... Besides the fact that we already look like we could be twins.) I have come to realize that he is one of my trustees. His words seem God-breathed.

I am excited to have gained a recruit in praying over this situation. I trust that my brother will become one of my sources of discernment in the future if a deeper relationship has developed between myself and this new young man.

Lord, thank you for my little brother! Increase his giftings and bless him, Father!

My Prayer Is That He Grows

I'm going to let you in on a secret...

I met a guy a few weeks ago. Long story short, he's basically the living image of what I have always thought would be the "perfect man" for me. There's just one thing that he needs before I could ever enter in a relationship with him--God.

He has a lot of growing to do, of that I am certain. Right now, I just feel so blessed to have even met him. I know that God has placed me in his life for a reason, and that is to be a messenger to him. Even if this never goes beyond friendship, I will still be satisfied in knowing that I'm doing the right thing in helping him grow closer to God.

But man... seriously... this guy must be truly amazing beyond what I see because every time I begin to pray for him I can hardly get the words out... As soon as begin the prayer, I immediately feel immersed in the presence of God and I just start crying. I can't even say his name in the prayer without sobbing. God must have great plans for him! I can feel my heart broken with the joy of just having God show me how much He cares for this young man and all the amazing things He has in store for him. I don't know what it is... but I think God has great plans for him!

I'm feeling a little discouraged in the fact that I cannot really express all this to him. I feel like God is giving me so much encouragement to share with him... The difficulty is that he's currently fighting in the war overseas. All I can do is write letters and pray that they make it to him.

Dear God, use me. Give me the words to write. Give me the words You want him to hear. Lord, guide me and give me wisdom in this situation... And help me to gaurd my heart until it is time to give it away...

First Words - Grace and Knowledge

Hello World!

To start, it must be known that I love writing and have always wanted to journal, but I never did so because my hand would always become tired from penning my many words onto the pages of my notebook; thus, I have nearly given up keeping a diary. Now, however, I have been finding that every day there is something new I would like to share with someone - stories I would love to tell anyone. I will now share my innermost thoughts and deepest desires with you...

I must warn you, I'm passion-driven and a bit of an inspirationist. I am lead by my love of my Lord and Savior and the desire to grow closer and wiser in a life serving Him. He saved my life - on the literal terms as well as the spiritual (but that is a story for another day). For now all you must know is that my heart will be openly exposed to you - beating to the flow of the ups and downs of humanity and a life striving to see all the beauty of God's gracious creation.

For all who will follow my journey, I pray that you may take something from it to encourage you to grow in grace and knowledge.

"But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory now and forever! Amen."
2 Peter 3:18