Grow in Grace and Knowledge

Chosen To Do Something

2010-02-26T21:33:00.003-05:00

I’m having a hard time finding any purpose in my schooling right now. My dad says it’s preparing me for life (like how to manage when you have to get a million things done in a day). I suppose he’s right, but I still feel useless as a person right now. All I do is work, sit in a classroom, and do homework. I mean, I’m really involved in youth group and stuff, but there’s only so much I can do through that one avenue.

I want to do something at college. I don’t want to go and coast by like I’ve always done. I want every step, every breath, every conversation, every hand raised, every question answered to be done with a sense of a purpose beyond just getting by. I want my life to mean something. I want to accomplish things for God’s glory. I want to witness miracles, see people saved, lives made better, hearts reawakened, freedom embraced…

It’s just that the love has been stirring in me; the yearning to spread the compassion that’s overwhelming me. Like when I suddenly had an urge to adopt a family of African brothers. Honestly, I don’t care who I adopt or where they come from… There are so many children that need love. But it is ridiculous regarding some of the reasons there are so many kids needing adoption. In Africa, millions of people die every day from preventable diseases like diarrhea and malnutrition. Parents are dropping like flies and leaving whole groups of children to provide for themselves, who in turn end up dying as well. Then we look at China where they are throwing away kids just because they’re trying to manage crowd control. And if you’re not a boy, you’re even more likely to be tossed aside. And in Russia—oh man—you’re lucky if you even make it out of the birth canal alive. Know why? Because the women’s form of birth control there is to have an abortion when you’re pregnant and don’t want to be. Seriously, it is normal for these women to have between seven and thirty abortions in their lifetime! Can you imagine having the blood of thirty children on your hands?! It’s amazing what’s going on in this world!

My heart… my heart is so broken over the hurt and pain that so many people endure. I just wish I could hold every crying child, every hurting mother, every dying elder… Everyone. The list goes on… There is so much pain that everyone—man, woman, child, teen, elder, etc.—goes through. It breaks my heart. I wish that somehow I could make people see what amazing freedom and life can be experienced through Christ. He saves. There are so many people who need saving, so many who need rescuing from the pit of despair, hopelessness, anxiety, fear, shame, hate, addiction, poverty, condemnation, slavery… So many troubles and so few people know how to break free from the chains that hold them down. If only I could tell them, show them—I am a freedom story. Once bound by fear, condemnation, shame, and hopelessness; I am now rebirthed, reawakened, alive, made new to breathe the air of freedom; chains broken and left to decay beside the road as I walk boldly into a life of wonder with the Spirit of God and His majestic omnipotence to do all things. I am chosen. You were chosen. We all are chosen; set apart, purchased to be set free, sent to declare the coming of the Lord. The war has been raging. The battles keep coming. Evil was taking over. Its battles destroyed cities, families, lives. We must stand up and fight. We cannot just sit and wait for Him. He is here. The battle is now. We must fight, fight, fight. Keep winning, until the final battle is upon us and the glory of the Lord will flood down on us from the Heavens for victory of eternity.

But we still must fight—we who are chosen.

Isaiah 61:1-3 NIV

The Spirit of the Soverein Lord is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

What am I going to do about it? I’m going to listen. I’m going to wait. I’m going to follow the call. I’m not going to be afraid to talk to people about Him. I’m not going to allow myself to be held by insecurity and lack of confidence. I’m going to act. And I’ve already started…

A couple Christian girls and I went around our college today asking people if they were Christians, went to a church, or if they knew someone who did. Then we invited them to the Christian group we hold once a week. We’re doing it through the Campus Crusade for Christ ministry…

My point: I’ve finally broken the barrier of fear. Now my love will lead me. Now my freedom will overcome. Now I walk the path of the chosen. I am chosen.

If He Calls You to Walk on Water... DO IT!

2010-02-21T18:51:00.006-05:00

It's Friday morning. Heading to work. Beginning my usual prayer. "God, give me grace and favor today. May everything go well, according to Your plan..." Then I added something: "God, I pray for divine appointments to bring glory to Your Kingdom."

Work went well, then I spent the afternoon preparing a new resume to get a better paying job, then I went out applying. Afterwards, I headed over to Wal-Mart to pick up some necessities like deodorant and socks, things like that. I decided to cut the shopping short and began to head home early. It was about 7:00PM.

Then it began.

I was driving and I suddenly realized how hungry I was. I considered going out for some fast food, but thought better of it. I'd be home in 30 minutes. I could wait. Besides, it would be better to save my money.

But then I had a strange urge to go to Tim Horton's. Suddenly, their sign loomed up ahead as I was driving.

Stop at Tim Horton's.

"Huh? I thought I wasn't going to spend money. I can wait. I'm not THAT hungry."

You have an appointment.

"Are you kidding? That's just me wanting food. Maybe I've been listening to too many stories about people having great conversations about God at places like Starbucks and stuff. God likes going there. But Tim Horton's? C'mon. I'm just hungry. God doesn't want me to go out to eat."

So I kept driving.

You were supposed to meet someone there. Someone was eating by themselves. You were supposed to meet them, talk to them...

"You're kidding."

No, I'm not.

"God, this can't be you."

Yes, it is.

I kept driving. I was uncertain--still convinced that it was my hunger that was driving me. Then I saw a road I could pull into and go back. But I didn't... I kept driving...

There's still time. Turn around.

Still driving... By the time I was on a one-way street, I heard what devastated me to tears.

You missed it. It's too late.

All the way home I worried about the fact I had CLEARLY heard God speaking to me, but I didn't obey the call. Then the rest of the way I kept on having urges to go to the Chinese restaurant in town, but I went straight home instead. Yet again, I missed it. Even as I veered my car away from the road to town to follow the one to my house, I realized I was deliberately fighting the heavenly pull.

When I arrived home, I made up my mind to go into town. I was on a mission. I had already missed my appointment at Tim Horton's. Maybe it wasn't too late for any in town.

But it was...

I went on an unsuccessful treasure hunt, driving around in circles. I kept ignoring the pulls. I told myself they couldn't be from God. But the more I resisted the urges, the more I realized I was losing this game called 'follow God.' I had failed Him.

Condemnation overwhelmed me. "God, will I ever get another chance?" Full of sorrow and regret, I prayed for forgiveness...

Now, today, I was beginning to get into my homework when I felt like the Lord was telling me to read my Bible. "Are you sure, God? Can't it wait 'till I'm finished?"

What's more important? School or Me?

"Is that a trick question?"

I relented. I put my school book aside and got up to get my Bible. Opening where I left off, I began to read today's assigned reading for the plan I was on. At first, I had other things on my mind, so it took effort to focus. Towards the end of the reading, however, I felt oddly intrigued by the content. I wanted to read more, so I kept going into tomorrow's reading. It ended with the story of Jesus walking on water. I'm familiar with the story, but today I read at as I had never before...

Jesus came walking on water to meet the disciples. They were afraid. But Jesus immediately said to them, "It's me, Jesus. Don't be afraid." Peter then sought reassurance. He wanted to test this man who claimed to be the miracle worker. "Lord, if it's You, tell me to come to You on the water." So Jesus said, "Come." Peter obeyed and got out of the boat. He was walking on water! How miraculous and wondrous must it have been! But then he noticed the wind rushing around him as he stood in the middle of the sea. He hesitated. How could this be happening? How could he be walking on water? He must have thought: surely this was not real! He lost faith. He stopped trusting. And he began to sink. "Lord!" he cried out in terror of what was happening, "save me!" Jesus immediately reached out His hand to Peter and caught him. With His strength, He held him up. Tenderly, He said to Peter, "Why didn't you trust me? If I called you to walk on water, did you think I would let you drown? I love you too much. I want you to do great things. I called you to step out and do the impossible. But how could you if you doubt My abilities? How could you if you don't have faith in Me?" Jesus and Peter returned to the boat, and the wind died down. [Paraphrased from Matthew 14:22-32 of the NIV]

I heard the call. But I was hesitant. I feared failure and ended up failing because of that fear. If I had only trusted, I could have done great things in His Kingdom.

Now my prayer is that no matter how hard the wind is blowing may I never give up trusting in Him. I want to do great things, so next time I'm going to act on that trust.

My Savior's Grace

2009-12-20T12:40:00.007-05:00

I have a bit of a testimony I want to share with you…

In those dark days of my life only over a year ago, I had no self worth. I was worthless. I hated myself. I didn’t deserve to live. I deserved to die. I deserved to be in pain… So I created my own pain. I started beating myself. I started cutting myself… I deserved it… or so I thought… If I wasn’t bleeding, I wasn’t worthy to live… it was my payment for my failure of a person… I wasn’t human… I didn’t deserve to be treated kindly… I would jerk away from any hug a family member tried to give me… I wouldn’t linger in any hugs from my friends… I smiled and hid behind the mask of “I’m fine”… But I was hurting... emotionally and physically…

I was worthless.

Since then I have been healed from that pain and have had the truth spoken into my life… The truth that I am NOT WORTHLESS. I AM LOVED. I am a daughter of Christ, cherished by my Father. “My sins are covered; my shame erased; no stained marks are left to be traced.” I know who I am. And I know who I am in Christ… Beloved.

But I sometimes still feel bound by those old feelings of worthlessness. I a couple weeks ago, I felt so exhausted from this mental and spiritual battle I was going through... I was going to give up… I was having such a great life, and then Satan was constantly whacking me over the head with “You’re worthless! You’re a failure! Die! Die! DIE!” I couldn’t fight anymore… I had no strength left… The truth of who I was in Christ was fading…

I cried out to God as I drove home from work… I had no one else to turn to. Who could help me fight a spiritual battle?... I was so stressed and upset and frustrated… I cried and cried and cried… I was sobbing so hard and had so many tears that I could hardly drive… But I had no one else to turn to. There is no one who can help me. I was alone. But I’ve heard that God is always with us…

It’s true. He IS with us. He answered my prayers. He spoke to me. He soothed me. I have been filled with His love and joy! Oh my goodness… I’m getting all teary eyed just thinking about it…

He is my Abba, my Father… And I am so in love with Him! I feel like I’m floating on clouds! I feel as though I could take wing and soar through the sky into eternity! I feel loved! I feel held by His arms of tender affection! I’ve never been on drugs, but this must be what it feels like to be high! I’m not kidding! He has captured my heart! I am IN LOVE with Jesus! I get butterflies just thinking about Him! I start to cry when I think about how faithful He has been. He has rescued me from the storm. I was so close to going back to self-harm… I had no one to turn to… He saved me once again! He is my protector, my salvation… He is my strength and my song…

Psalm 118: That is my proclaimation of my Father.

Thankful
(Written for Thanksgiving 2008)

For God has shown us so much love.
He made the sun, the moon, and the stars up above.
He made the flowers bloom and the trees stand tall.
White winter, green spring, warm summer, and bright fall.
He made the creatures across the earth,
And then decided to give us birth.
In His image, He created you and me;
And He gave us a will that can always be free.
But because of this gift, we constantly stumble,
And we blame it on God because we aren’t humble.
God’s son died for our sins—that’s a certain fact—
But we don’t take advantage of that simple act.
There are so many times when I lashed out in strife;
So many times when I could have ended my life.
The things that I’ve done have made me so shameful;
But there’s someone out there who sees me unblameful.
My sins are covered; my shame erased;
No stained marks are left to be traced.
God’s son gave His life so that I may live,
And that’s the greatest thing He could ever give.
My hope is restored; I’m no longer dead.
God has a path on which I can be lead.
For taking my debt, I thank God when I pray,
Because now I can live in His light every day.

It Doesn't Matter What We Look Like

2009-11-01T12:54:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning, exhausted from staying up late, and I was exceptionally grumpy about the fact that I didn't get up in time to take a shower before church. I put on a hat to cover up my messy hair (I don't like wearing hats to church), my clothes didn't match right, and I hardly had time to put on enough makeup to cover up my broken-out face. I felt like crap. I looked like crap. I talked like crap. I was crap. (Honestly, I wish I could be using a stronger word...)

I went to church... I knew it would be one of those days where I would be so utterly consumed in insecurity that I wouldn't want to worship or pay attention. Ugh... I hate those days when I wallow in my own misery and disgust...

Then I remembered all the amazing things God has been doing in my life the past few weeks, and I remembered that He doesn't care what people look like, or how they're dressed, or whether or not they're wearing a hat in church... HE DOESN'T CARE. He loves and cares for us NO MATTER WHAT WE LOOK LIKE...

So despite the way I was feeling, I made a conscious decision to fully engage myself in God's presence during worship. I kept my eyes closed the entire time because I knew if I looked at the people around me then I would be wondering what they thought about my appearance. I knew, though, that it doesn't matter what they might think. God knew where my heart was.

So my crappy day turned into a joyful day. I had a great time worshipping the Lord and I fully enjoyed the teaching that was given by the pastor.

God is good!

My Little Brother's Discernment

2009-10-31T23:53:00.006-04:00

My little brother randomly told me yesterday, "You would not be good single."

"Why not?" I asked. "I've been that way for almost 19 years, and I wouldn't mind if I was always that way."

"You just wouldn't be good single. You need a husband." He wasn't joking. He meant what he said.

I was shocked. Why would my little brother be telling me this? Then I told him about the young man I had recently met...

Today, we actually had a deep conversation about my relationship with this guy, and actually all relationships generally related to the topic of deep interests. I could not believe the outcome of the conversation... My brother - my 13 year old little baby brother - was giving me advice. That boy must is so gifted in words of knowledge and wisdom... He can comprehend things far beyond his age! (In this manner, he reminds me of myself... Besides the fact that we already look like we could be twins.) I have come to realize that he is one of my trustees. His words seem God-breathed.

I am excited to have gained a recruit in praying over this situation. I trust that my brother will become one of my sources of discernment in the future if a deeper relationship has developed between myself and this new young man.

Lord, thank you for my little brother! Increase his giftings and bless him, Father!

My Prayer Is That He Grows

2009-10-30T21:12:00.007-04:00

I'm going to let you in on a secret...

I met a guy a few weeks ago. Long story short, he's basically the living image of what I have always thought would be the "perfect man" for me. There's just one thing that he needs before I could ever enter in a relationship with him--God.

He has a lot of growing to do, of that I am certain. Right now, I just feel so blessed to have even met him. I know that God has placed me in his life for a reason, and that is to be a messenger to him. Even if this never goes beyond friendship, I will still be satisfied in knowing that I'm doing the right thing in helping him grow closer to God.

But man... seriously... this guy must be truly amazing beyond what I see because every time I begin to pray for him I can hardly get the words out... As soon as begin the prayer, I immediately feel immersed in the presence of God and I just start crying. I can't even say his name in the prayer without sobbing. God must have great plans for him! I can feel my heart broken with the joy of just having God show me how much He cares for this young man and all the amazing things He has in store for him. I don't know what it is... but I think God has great plans for him!

I'm feeling a little discouraged in the fact that I cannot really express all this to him. I feel like God is giving me so much encouragement to share with him... The difficulty is that he's currently fighting in the war overseas. All I can do is write letters and pray that they make it to him.

Dear God, use me. Give me the words to write. Give me the words You want him to hear. Lord, guide me and give me wisdom in this situation... And help me to gaurd my heart until it is time to give it away...

First Words - Grace and Knowledge

2009-10-30T17:08:00.005-04:00

Hello World!

To start, it must be known that I love writing and have always wanted to journal, but I never did so because my hand would always become tired from penning my many words onto the pages of my notebook; thus, I have nearly given up keeping a diary. Now, however, I have been finding that every day there is something new I would like to share with someone - stories I would love to tell anyone. I will now share my innermost thoughts and deepest desires with you...

I must warn you, I'm passion-driven and a bit of an inspirationist. I am lead by my love of my Lord and Savior and the desire to grow closer and wiser in a life serving Him. He saved my life - on the literal terms as well as the spiritual (but that is a story for another day). For now all you must know is that my heart will be openly exposed to you - beating to the flow of the ups and downs of humanity and a life striving to see all the beauty of God's gracious creation.

For all who will follow my journey, I pray that you may take something from it to encourage you to grow in grace and knowledge.

"But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory now and forever! Amen."
2 Peter 3:18